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Paradoks Wanita

2005-11-15T10:22:00.000+07:00

Jika kau menciumnya, kau bukan gentleman

Jika kau tidak menciumnya, kau bukan lelaki

Jika kau memujinya, ia akan mengira kau
ngegombal

Jika kau tidak memujinya, kau adalah lelaki tak berguna....

Jika kau setuju semua keinginannya, dia akan ngelunjak

Jika kau tidak setuju semua keinginannya, kau tidak pengertian

Jika kau bercinta dengannya, kau dicurigai sudah ahli

Jika kau tidak bercinta dengannya, kau bukan lelaki

Jika kau sering mengunjunginya, dia pikir kau membosankan

Jika kau tidak sering mengunjunginya, dia menuduhmu main dengan orang lain

Jika kau berpakaian rapi, dia bilang kau menarik perhatian wanita lain

Jika kau tidak berpakaian rapi, dia bilang kau berantakan

Jika kau cemburu, dia bilang kau jahat

Jika kau tidak cemburu, dia bilang kau tidak cinta padanya

Jika kau ingin bercinta, dia katakan kau tidak menghormatinya

Jika kau tidak ingin bercinta dengannya, dia pikir kau tidak suka padanya

Jika kau telat satu menit, dia akan marah marah

Jika dia telat satu jam, dia bilang itu memang seharusnya seorang wanita

Jika kau mengunjungi wanita lain, dia akan menuduh kau punya wanita lain

Jika dia dikunjungi lelaki lain, dia akan bilang "Oh! Sudah biasa, kami

wanita!"

Jika kau menciumnya sebentar, dia tuduh kau orangnya dingin

Jika kau menciumnya lama, dia teriak bahwa kau kurang ajar

Jika kau gagal membantu dia menyeberang jalan, kau kurang etika

Jika kau berhasil membantunya menyeberang jalan, dia anggap itu taktik

lelaki

Jika kau menatap wanita lain, dia tuduh kau buaya

Jika dia ditatap lelaki lain, dia berkata bahwa mereka mengaguminya

Jika kau membiayai hidupnya, dia pikir kau meremehkannya

Jika kau tidak membiayai hidupnya, dia pikir kau pelit

Jika kau bercinta dengan wanita lain, dia minta putus

Jika dia bercinta dengan lelaki lain, dia bilang "Bukan salahku! Dia yang
memaksa"

Jika kau berhasrat bercinta dengannya, dia anggap hanya itu yang kau
inginkan

Jika kau tidak berhasrat bercinta dengannya, dia anggap kau jual mahal

Jika kau bicara, dia ingin kau sendiri mendengar yang kau bicarakan

Jika kau mendengar, dia ingin kau yang bicara

Jika saat bercinta dia diam saja, dia minta dicumbu

Jika saat bercinta kau diam saja, dia juga diam saja

Jika dia menangis, kau salah telah membuatnya menangis

Jika kau menangis, dia pergi darimu karena kau bukan lelaki sejati

Oh, Tuhan! Kau menciptakan mahluk bernama WANITA

Sangat simple sekaligus tapi sangat kompleks

Sangat lemah sekaligus sangat kuat pengaruhnya

Sangat membingungkan...

Tapi katanya nikmat dan menyenangkan.......... entahlah.....

Kiat efektif berhenti merokok

2005-11-15T10:16:00.000+07:00

Trauma Merokok di Medan Perang

GATRA.com - BANYAK perokok yang ingin menghentikan aktifitas 'main api'-nya tersebut. Namun sebagian besar tak bisa melaukannya, dengan berbagai alasan. Tapi trauma di medan perang membuat mantan Kadit Serse Polda Jawa Barat, Kombes (Pol) Sardjono SH yang kini menjabat Kabag Reserse Psikotropika dan Narkotika Mabes Polri kapok merokok.
....

Ia berhasil meninggalkan kebiasaan merokok secara total. "Ketika masih kapten, saya perokok berat dengan tiga bungkus per hari. Namun bisa melepasnya, setelah pulang tugas dari Timor Timur," katanya. Saat itu Sardjono

bertugas di provinsi yang kini menjadi negeri sendiri, Timorlorosae, sebagai komandan kompi di daerah perbatasan

Liquisa.

Suatu malam bersama empat anak buahnya ia bertugas di sebuah pos yang gelap gulita. Di luar sepengetahuan Sardjono, seorang anak buahnya iseng menyulut rokok kretek. Tanpa disadarinya, itulah awal petaka yang merengut nyawanya di medan tugas.

Tiga letusan tembakan senjata SS yang diduga dilakukan oleh pasukan Fretellin menggema. Dan anak buahnya yang sedang merokok itu roboh bersimbah darah. Diduga, penembak gelap itu membidik 'cahaya api' di ujung rokok. "Peluru kaliber 22 mm tepat bersarang di bagian hidungnya," katanya.

"Sejak itu saya berhenti merokok, dan hingga kini tak pernah lagi berniat merokok," ujar Sardjono. Sebagai gantinya, ia selalu menyelipkan permen di saku celananya, dan selalu berusaha menjauh dari asap rokok. Rupanya Sardjono kini "kecanduan" gula-gula.

THE COMPLAINING HUSBAND

2005-10-12T17:24:00.000+07:00

A husband complaining and make a wish... Oh Lord, please have mercy on me,I work so hard,.....meantime my wife stays at home.I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me into my wife". She's got it easy at home. I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.

As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school;

On his way back stops at the gas station, goes to the bank to cash a cheque, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up the husband's clothes from the cleaners, and quickly goes to the market.

It was 1:00 p.m. already; he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in; he vacuumed the house, made some rice, washed the breakfast dishes, went to pick up the kids from school and had an argument with the kids on the way home. Dropped one off a ballet, one at soccer practice, and one at swimming lessons and then went back and picked them all up again.

As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed another load of dirty dishes; hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside.

He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes; prepared dinner, gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep.

At 9:00 p.m. he was so tired he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties from the husband and somehow he managed them also and finally fell asleep.

The next morning he prays to God once again: Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.

Then he hears God's voice speaking to him, saying: Dear son, of course I'll switch you back into yourself, but there's one minor detail,

.......you'll have to wait 9 months......

....... last night you got pregnant!

ANOTHER DAY AT THE MORGUE

2005-10-11T12:08:00.000+07:00

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Arkansas, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.......

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after
winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse.

"This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin.

"He died while doing 'it' with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse.

"This is Roscoe," says the coroner.

"He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

I KNOW MY NUMBERS

2005-10-11T12:06:00.000+07:00

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher.

"Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the kid.

THE COMPASSIONATE LAWYER

2005-10-11T12:00:00.000+07:00

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.......

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

Simple Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

2005-10-11T11:48:00.000+07:00

Answers from different persons:

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

MAHATHIR: You know, I am tired of all this..'apa-nama' chicken-chicken bisnes.... the foreign powers should stop intervening in our domestic affairs and just leave our chickens alone..... if they want to...'apa nama' cross the road, they should be allowed to cross the road .. Malaysia is a democratic country,we let our chickens do whatever they want to do....as long as they don't threat the malay unity and try to topple the government...and if they plan to do so...we wont hesitate to use the ISA...

ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen, in a partnering relationship with the client,helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.

Using thePoultry Integration Model(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.

The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen helped the chicken change to become more successful.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

ABDULLAH BADAWI: Ini semua adalah khabar angin sahaja...jangan percaya khabar - khabar angin ini semua...biasalah ini adalah taktik pembangkang untuk memecah belahkan perpaduan ayam–ayam semua...jangan percaya..jangan percaya....

GUS DUR : Tentu saja. Lha wong itu hal biasa. Walau saya tidur pun saya tahu itu kenapa mereka mau nyebrang. Saya enggak ada sangkut pautnya.

SAMY VELLU : ayyooyoo...belakang cerita lain kali, kalu itu ayam mau pigi jalan-jalan,beritau sama saya juga, saya bolley buat lebbey banyak toll

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

What Kind of -Ese Are You?

2005-10-11T10:00:00.000+07:00

American and Japanese

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked:
"What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied: "Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated: "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yell: "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese,Vietnamese,or what?"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked: "What kind of'-key' are you?".
The American, frustrated, yelled: "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?"
The Japanese asked,"Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?"

Ucok ikut mak.......!!!

2005-10-10T13:59:00.000+07:00

Disebuah RSSSSSSS alias Rumah Sempit Sangat Sederhana Sekali Sehingga Sulit Senggama, tinggallah sebuah keluarga dengan seorang anak si Ucok.

Pada suatu malam si Bapak ngasi kode ke pada si Mamak.
"Mak, lagi mau ni mak".
"Ya pak... tengok dulu si ucok, sudah tidur apa belum"?

Mendapat lampu hijau si Bapak langsung teriak.
"Cok... sudah tidur kau cok?."
"Belum Pak... lagi ngerjain PR.
"Sudah... besok saja, sudah malam, tidur!!!!"
Kira kira 10 menit lagi si Bapak teriak lagi.
"Cok.... sudah tidur kau cok?."
"Belum...."

Si Bapak marah dan menonjok si Ucok.
"disuruh tidur,,, ya tidur,,, plak" sehingga kening si Ucok benjol. Besoknya disekolah si Ucokditanyai gurunya, tentang benjol dikeningnya.

Berceritalah si Ucok dari awal sampai dia ditonjok Bapaknya. Lalu gurunya ngajari Ucok.
"Nanti malam,,,, kalau ditanya lagi, kamu diam saja,,, ya!
"Ya bu". jawab si Ucok.
Benar saja, dia dengar Bapaknya ngomong sama mamaknya, "Mak, lagi mau ni mak".

"Ya pak,,, tengok dulu si ucok, sudah tidur apa belum
"Cok,,, sudah tidur kau cok?."Si Ucok ingat pesan gurunya, maka dia diam saja, dari pada benjol lagi, dia pura-pura tidur.

"Cok,,, sudah tidur kau cok?." ulang Bapaknya Ucok tetap diam. Karena tidak ada jawaban, maka Bapaknya langsung matikan lampu,maka gelap gulita. Si Ucok setengah mati ketakutan, tapi daripada benjol, dia tahan ketakutannya.

Terjadilah pergumulan antara bapak dan mamak yang tidak diketahui oleh si Ucok.Tak lama kemudian dia dengar suara Bapaknya.

"Mak,,, bapak mau keluar ni",
"Ya,,, pak kita sama-sama keluar", dia dengar suara mamaknya menjawab.
Dengan segera si Ucok bangkit dan berteriak "Ucok ikuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttt"

La computere sexe.....

2005-10-07T16:45:00.000+07:00

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine -- "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine -- "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The Women won.

Jancuk...! Jaranku Wedok !

2005-10-07T16:38:00.000+07:00

Mat Pithi pancen bethike gak ketulungan. Masih bapakne kaji, Mo-Limo wis dilakoni. Korak, balon, germo, tukang parkir sak Kermil kenal kabe karo arek Dinoyo Gang Limo iki.

Tapi sejak Suharto ngelundung, kelakoane rodok apik. Mat Pithi gak tau ugal-ugalan maneh. Lek ditakoni koncone, "Mat raimu sik mbalonan?". "Mathek ketubruk montor, tanganku kithing aku wis tobat cuuk...!", Mat Pithi ngotot. Modele morale arek iki melu reformasi pisan.

Saiki kesibukane Mat Pithi meguron nang Kaji Kholil, guru ngaji soko Ampel. Segala ilmu disinaui. Mulai ilmu kebal sampe ilmu gendhing wedhokan wis dikuasani.

Jangkep limang wulan meguru, Mat Pithi diwekasi gurune " Mat..., ilmu sing mbok sinaui wis jangkep. Tapi lek koen kepingin ningkatno mane, koen topo wae ning Gunung Batok.".

Ngeroso ilmune sik kurang, Mat Pithi berangkat topo ning Gunung Batok. Arek iki bener-bener nuekat. Deweke topo terus gak atik turu nang guwo gumbul karo jerangkong, sundel bolong, tuyul, wis pokoke sembarang kalir.

Pas dino ke-pitu, dalu pisan, ono wong tuwo muncul ning guwo mau iku. Wong tuwo iki langsung wae ngomong "Mat..mat..!, gak ono wong sing sanggup topo koyok koen ning guwo iki".

Mat Pithi cuek wae karo nguyu nang jero ati (gendeng arek iki...).
"Wis koen lungo wae...", si Mbah rodhok nyentak. Gak kalah banter Mat Pithi njawab "Mooh...!".
"lho ojo ngonoo..rek...!", si Mbah mulai kalem kalah gertak.
"Aku gelem ninggalno guwo iki tapi ono sarate..., kabeh penjalukanku kudu mbok kabulno", Mat Pithi negesno.
Gak atik mikir dowo-dowo, si Mbah langsung ngomong "wis ngene wae, koen iso njaluk opo wae tak kabulno, tapi mek ping telu thok". Karo mikir gak sepiro suwih, Mat Pithi njawab "O.K...!"

"Mbah.., rupoku iki lak gak sepiro elek, eeh...! gak sepiro ganteng, aku kepingin duwe rupo koyok bintang pilem Bary Prima bekas bojone Eva Arnaz", Mat Pithi njaluk.
Si Mbah njawab "Le..le..saiki koen muleh wae, tekan omah rupomu wis gak koyok meduro mane..!. Langsung wae Mat Pithi nginclik moleh numpak jaran sewoan.
Tekan omah langsung ngoco. "Wiik...guanteng men aku saiki rek...!", Mat Pithi kaget ndelok dapurane gak koyok biyen mane. Tapi Mat Pithi jik gak puas. Pikire mosok rai koyok Barry Prima tapi awak koyok Timbul Srimulat.

Sisuk bengine, Mat Pithi balik maneh nang Gunung Batok nemoni Mbak daden-daden iku. "Mbah..mbah.., raiku wis guanteng koyok bintang pilem ning tipi-tipi iku. Tapi awak-ku jek kuru lan tepos. Dadekno awakku- koyok Barry Prima, ojok mek rai thok", Mat Pithi nerangno penjalukane sing ke-2.

Komat-kamit diluk si Mbah langsung ngongkon Mat Pithi moleh karo njamin lek awake mesti dadi dempal koyok Barry Prima. Tekan omah Mat Pithi langsung kocoan. Ndelok awake sing dadi dempal iku Mat Pithi seneng banget. Pikire cewek sak suroboyo mesti kepincut karo awake.

Urung suwih senenge, Mat Pithi moro-moro mecucu wae sak wise metu teko jeding. Rupane "manuke" gak melu dempal. Gamblese Mat Pithi jik podo karo biyen cilik lan bungkring. Mat Pithi dadine kepikiran terus. Njaluk nang Mbah maneh..., eman polahe jatahe wis kari pisan. Tapi timbangane urip duwe manuk sak upit, Mat Pithi nekat ngenthekno jatah penjalukane.

"Mbah..mbah..mbah..." Mat Pithi jerit-jerit nang guwo Gunung Batok. Dienteni sampek elek gak muncul-muncul Si Mbah iku. Tapi persis sepuluh menit sak gurungi magrib, Si Mbah muncul.

"Mat..Mat.., jatah penjalukanmu ojo dientekno. Eman-emanen kanggo mbesuk-mbesuk" Si Mbah nguwei nasehat.
"Mooh..mooh...!", Mat Pithi njawab karo matane rodhok mbrebes mili. "Mbah tolong Mbah..., awak-ku lan raiku wis persis koyok Barry Prima, tapi "barang"-ku sak umprit koyok slilit" Mat Pithi melas.
"Tolong mbah dadekno "barangku" koyok jaranku sing tak sewo iki", Mat Pithi tambah melas. Modele arek sing biasa nekat iki "putus asa".
"Aku isin Mbah...!", ambek suoro sing rodok serak gara-gara kudu nangis. Gak tego lan meksake si Mbah akhire ngabulno permintaane Mat Pithi.

"Mat...gak suwih maneh barangmu koyok barange jaranmu iku".
"Suwun..suwun..suwun Mbah..., iki sing terakhir koq", Mat Pithi girang. Sampek gak sempet pamit, Mat Pithi moleh, plenciiing...!.

Tapi gurung tekan omah, Mat Pithi mikir, kaget..., moto mbrebes mili..., cangkep mewek..., Mat Pithi nangis karo jerit-jerit "JUANCUUUK JARANKU WEDHOOK...".

Ojok cidek-cidek arek wedok sing susune gedhe !

2005-10-05T12:01:00.000+07:00

Klowor, anak-e Mat Pithi, nyidek-i embok-e, ning Saropah. Mbarek nyidek mau arek iki ngomong, "mak, onok arek wedhok susune guedi nemen mak"....

Ning Saropah nuturi anak-e, "Ojok cidek-cidek arek wedok sing susune gedi, cung. Arek wedok koyok iku mono pikirane gak onok liya kecuali perkoro susune thok. Arek wedok sing susune gedi iku arek wedok goblok".

Klowor manthuk-manthuk. Koyok arek sing ngerti ae.Mari ngono Klowor takon maneh, "Nek onok uwong sing gandule gedi, mak"

Jare mak-e, "Yo podho ae, cung. Setali tiga uang, jenenge. Wong lanang sing gandule gedi iku pikirane yo rusuhan thok. Sing dipikir gak liyo maneh ya cumak yok opo enak-e numpak-i wong wedhok thok.

Endi tau mikir sekolah, tah nyambutgawe. Wong lanang sing gandule gedi iku yo termasuk wong goblog. Mene maneh, nek onok wong lanang sing gandule gedi, ojok mbok cidek-i, ya, cung. Ben dina sing dipikiri ya yok opo manfaatno gandule mau thok, cung".

Klowor manthuk-manthuk maneh. Koyok arek sing paham ae. "Ola opo se cung, kok awakmu kathik takon emak perkoro arek wedok sing susune gedi, ambek wong lanang sing gandule gedi barang iku?"
"Ngene lho, mak. Mau tepak mak lunga nang pasar, onok arek wedok ayu, mak, teka nang omah iki".
"Susune gedi tah cung"
"Iyo, mak. dapak ngono ola opo aku takon mak barang"
"Ya iku mau, cung ojok cidek-cidek arelk wedok sing ngono iku. Arek goblog ngono iku, cung"
"Mari ngono dek-e ketemu mbarek bapak, mak. Dadak wong loro iku mlebu kamar, udo karo-karo, mak"

Mak-e Klowor mendelik.
"Tak dingkik, mak. Bapak maune gak goblog, lho mak. Tapi suwe-suwe tak delok bapak iki kok tambah goblog, se".
Mak-e Klowor tambah mendelik.
"Wong loro iku ketok podho goblog-e mak. Embuh tah ola opo, dadak gelut. Bek-e mari onok sing ngelokno goblog, antarane, yo mak yo"

Mak-e Klowor tambah mendelik, mbarek mrecing.
"Tapi tak delok bapak kok rodok isin, kuatir nek ketok gobloge, mak"
"Lho, ko-en kok isok ngarani ngono, se cung?"
"Anu mak, cek bapak gak ketok nek goblog, gandule mau disingitno"

"Lho, kathik disingitno barang, se cung. Disingitno nang endi gandule bapakmu iku mau?"
"Dislempitno ndik selangkangane arek wedok mau mak. Terus diencepno cek gak ketok"
"Oalah cung. Untung lho bapakmu iku eruh isin. Dadi gandule disingitno ngono mau. Iku mono cek gak ketok, cung"